Book Brew 95: Disagree (thoughtfully). Learn. Grow.

“Appreciate the art of thoughtful disagreement.”  This is one of Ray Dalio’s Principles, and wow, how that landed for me this week.

A Little Storytime from Social Media Town

I typically do not engage in nonsensical discussions on social media.  However, someone (a business owner) posted in a local business group a message that I interpreted as being closed-minded.  I did not believe she intentionally meant it to be close-minded and thought that providing her with a different perspective may be helpful to her, so I responded in hopes of engaging in what Dalio calls “thoughtful disagreement.”  

Well, it quickly devolved into what I perceived as a brick wall of her beliefs that “the entire human species” does things the way she believes they should.  I attempted to present her with other ways of viewing her perceived problem a few times, but it went nowhere, so I chose to walk away, wishing her the best with her future endeavors.  

However, the discussion led to some insights from others that I found useful - I even learned a thing or two.  So, while nothing likely changed for the business owner, I was able to walk away with some lessons learned.  The sad thing is that she ended up deleting her message and the entire discussion thread, which is too bad since there were some good discussions on there.

What I Could’ve Asked Instead

Dalio has such great things to say about this kind of discussion.  He suggests asking questions like:

• “Would you rather I be open with my thoughts and questions or keep them to myself?”  
  • Reflecting back, I could have started out my first message to this woman like this, and it likely would have ended my part in the discussion.
• “Are we going to try to convince each other that we are right, or are we going to open-mindedly hear each other's perspectives to try to figure out what’s true and what to do about it?”  
  • Since I didn’t start my discussion with the first question, I could have asked this question at any point and potentially improved our conversation's quality.
• “Are you arguing with me or seeking to understand my perspective?”  
  • I kind of stated something along these lines to her by mentioning I wasn’t trying to argue with her - it was not received well LOL.

Growing From Thoughtful Disagreement

Dalio says, “To me, it's pointless when people get angry with each other when they disagree because most disagreements aren’t threats as much as opportunities for learning.”  I take that to heart and do my best to approach situations where I disagree with this concept.  It’s by no means easy - it takes a lot of practice - but it opens up a world of new learning possibilities.  

My advice to business owners who very publicly put their client grievances on social media platforms: 

• Think before you post. Once something is out on the internet, it is permanent (yes, even if you delete it).
• Welcome thoughtful disagreements. View feedback as an opportunity to grow.
• Embrace kindness.  This applies to everyone. A little more kindness goes a long way in all situations. 

Ponder This

1. How do you usually respond to disagreements—do you see them as threats or opportunities?
2. What steps can you take to ensure your disagreements are thoughtful and productive?
3. How can you apply Dalio’s questions to improve your next challenging conversation?

Books

• Principles - Dalio