One of the books that has had the most impact on me (and one that I have read multiple times) is A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy by William Irvine. After being introduced to Stoicism by reading one of Ryan Holiday’s books (I can’t recall if I read The Obstacle is the Way or The Daily Stoic first), I was hooked on the Stoics' take on life and found William Irvine’s book to be literally life-changing. I also found some similarities between Stoicism and Buddhism and have incorporated pieces of both into my life.
This morning, when reading Effortless and McKeown’s take on grudges, I was reminded of Irvine's book. He talks about grudges (and regrets and unrealistic expectations) as “items living rent-free in your mind.” That wording really struck me. Damien and I typically call these things open loops.
There are all kinds of reasons to let go of grudges (or to not even let them take hold in the first place). McKeown suggests letting go of a grudge by asking yourself, “What job have I hired this grudge to do?” Many of us hold on to grudges because we think they make us feel good in some way—give us control, give us attention (think victimized), give us someone else to blame, give us a way to protect ourselves through distrust. That last one was one I have struggled with over the years and have worked hard to move past. I held plenty of grudges and kept myself at a safe emotional distance from others to avoid being hurt again—if they couldn’t get in, they couldn’t hurt me. The backfiring of that is that I was just hurting myself. As the Buddha said, “Hatred is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” That quote from the Buddha set me on my path to forgiveness, and once on that path, it was freeing.
The Stoics believed that forgiveness is part of understanding that human nature is full of imperfections—we are all fallible—and a way towards inner peace and tranquility. Through having that understanding, we can approach situations with empathy and the knowledge that the other person may have acted out of ignorance or misguided intentions, not malice. There is a quote I heard within the past year that is attributed to George R.R. Martin that really solidified all of these ideas I have absorbed over the years and really changed my worldview: “Nobody is a villain in their own story. We're all the heroes of our own stories.”
I had mentioned in an earlier post that part of my goal for this quarter is to tackle this issue of my unrealistic expectations when it comes to other people. Reading this short chapter in Effortless (and writing this post) has helped me to see a path forward to meet that goal. A quote here from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in his poem The Poet's Tale; The Birds of Killingworth is fitting and something I will use to remind myself of acceptance: "For after all, the best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain.”
Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!