What used to be an occasional conversation between Damien and me is an almost daily one now (I have even touched upon it in three different posts: Book Brew 33, Book Brew 66, Book Brew 77.) There appears to be a growing issue with people not acknowledging others - whether through emails, phone calls, text messages, DMs, postal mail like letters and cards (yes, people still send these), or even in-person interactions. Some of it comes off as to what some people call “ghosting,” but because I think this is offensive to ghosts, I’ll call it radio silence.
Ducking Discomfort
Ozan Varol actually talks about this in his most recent newsletter and has some explanation around it:
“So why do people ghost? More often than not, it’s a way to dodge discomfort. Ghosting becomes a quick escape, sparing them from having to say “no” directly or face the challenge of handling conflict with care.
Healthy conflict is a source of growth. It’s something to be embraced, not erased.
Discomfort, from a place of care, is one of the biggest gifts you can give to someone. Looking back on my life, some of my most important growth moments happened when someone shared inconvenient truths with me. And even though it stung, that short-term pain was followed by long-term gratitude to the person who told me what I needed to hear.”
Old-School Courtesy vs. Modern Expectations
Back in my day, before the internet, I was taught that if someone sends you a card or gives you a gift, you acknowledge it and thank the person. I have embraced those teachings (that likely came from my grandparents) in how I respond to any message - electronic, snail mail, or even in-person. And to my own detriment, I applied those rules to what I expect others to do when sending them a card or email. This has only led me to be disappointed by my own unmet expectations.
In his book Giant Steps - Small Changes to Make A Big Difference, Tony Robbins has several days where he talks about the rules we set for ourselves. Day 267 reads as follows;
“How do you know if a rule disempowers you and needs to be changed? Your rule is disempowering if
- It’s impossible to meet (if your criteria are so complex or numerous or rigid that you can’t ever win the game of life).
- Something you can’t control determines whether or not the rule is met (e.g., if other people have to respond to you in a certain way before you can be happy).
- It gives you only a few ways to feel good and lots of ways to feel bad (e.g., if you feel good only when everything happens exactly as anticipated, vs. feeling bad when anything else occurs).
But it still brings up the question of how we got here. How are we a society that believes it is okay to ignore one another?
Has Common Courtesy Become an Exception?
Just yesterday, I was entering a building, and two people were on their way out, one with their hands full. So I opened the door and held it for them. They didn’t even acknowledge that I existed, let alone give a nod or say thank you. I did not hold the door with the expectation of a thank you; it is just something deeply engrained in my core values to be of service to others, but I am still perplexed by this behavior. Especially when I read an article like the one from Simon Sinek, which talks about how people have a need to feel they matter - something Cialdini refers to as significance in Influence.
Sonder
So, if we all essentially have this base need to matter and feel significant, how do we not recognize it in others? The word sonder, coined by John Koenig, seems apt here. He defines it as “the feeling one has on realizing that every other individual one sees has a life as full and real as one’s own, in which they are the central character and others, including oneself, have secondary or insignificant roles.”
We end up so enmeshed in our own bubble worlds that we forget there are even other people existing around us. Is this a product of our overly tech-filled world? I’m truly asking for insight here because it is a question I think about daily.
Refusing to Give Up on Courtesy
Regardless of the reasons, I will continue to send note cards in the postal mail, messages to friends, say hello to the cashiers at the stores, and hold doors open for strangers because being aware that there are people in this world other than me is a core value, and I won’t give that up just because others have lost that value.
I will also ask myself these two questions daily (and encourage all of you to ask yourself these same questions), which came from Simon Sinek’s newsletter:
- Who did I help today?
- Who helped me today?
These questions remind us to not only help others, but practice gratitude and recognition for those who have helped us.
Ponder This
- How do you feel when someone gives you the “radio silence”? Have you ever done it to someone else?
- Do you believe technology has contributed to the decline of basic courtesy?
- What personal values are you willing to uphold, even if others don’t reciprocate?
Books
- Giant Steps - Small Changes to Make A Big Difference - Tony Robbins
- Influence - Robert Cialdini
- Newsletters by
- Simon Sinek
- Ozan Varol
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